Living Alone After Living With A Partner

I make myself a cup of coffee and sit on the couch with a blanket wrapped around my legs.  I switch the TV over to view Netflix and watch The Office for the 45,672nd time.  I grab my phone and login to Poshmark from the web browser. I share my closet, finish my coffee, and make myself eggs with onions, tomatoes, and goat cheese.  Finishing up with The Office, I get ready for work while listening to a favorite playlist or podcast as loud as I want (within reason, I don't want to upset my neighbors).  I chase Charlie, kiss her goodbye, and head out the door.

No one whined from the bedroom to make them coffee.  No one begrudged me the time I took to spend on reselling, because it took time away from helping them get dressed in the morning.  I didn't have to give advice on whether a tie matched a shirt.  No one snatched the remote away from me to watch the news.  No one stood by the door tapping their feet because I was making them late for work.

Living alone after living with a partner is a new kind of normal.  You're more aware of all of the things you gave up to merge your lives together. Your bedtime is no longer determined by someone else's wake up call.  You don't have to use the bathroom in shifts.  You know who left that dish in the sink.

You're also aware of all of things you have to do alone.  When the new season of that TV show you both watched together drops on Netflix, you can watch it by yourself but you'll think of the comments they would have made.  Your Netflix algorithm is still infected with all of the shows they like to watch. When you're feeling down, there's no one around to make you laugh.  You have to empty the dishwasher every single time.

I gained back my independence.  I gained back the permission to focus on myself instead of serving the needs of someone else.  I gained back my life.  But, I still feel the loss of a life that was almost mine.  It was the wrong life and it would have ended sadly, but the ghost of it still haunts me.

When I get home from work, Charlie greets me cheerfully, happier in this home than she has been in any other.  I choose whether I want to make dinner that night, eat leftovers, or simply eat a protein bar.  I waste a lot of time dancing in front of the mirror.  I lay in the middle of my bed and fall asleep watching The Office for the 45,673rd time.