Things (I Thought Were) More Likely To Happen Than Derek Jeter Getting Married

I am currently in a state of mourning.  Donned in black, I weep over the death of a beautiful relationship that began in the summer of 1996 when a young bright-eyed girl laid eyes on her future husband.  Or, so she thought.


Derek Jeter married Hannah Davis in probably a beautiful ceremony surrounded by famous people and they ate expensive food and blah, blah, blah.  I'm not sure.  I'm avoiding the TMZ photos because they are just too painful.

I never thought the day would come when I would have to say goodbye to my first love.  Mostly, because I never thought Derek Jeter would ever enter into a legally binding union with anyone.  Especially with someone younger than me.  Like seriously, younger than me, which got me thinking.  There were a lot of things I thought would happen before Jeter walked down the aisle, like:

The world ending.

Edward Snowden voluntarily coming back to America.

Red Sox fans and Yankee fans holding hands and dancing in the street.

Tom Cruise leaving Scientology.

A cure for Resting Bitch Face.

My grandpa moving to Pennsylvania.

The Kardashians admitting this was all a social experiment to see how far they could get.

Hilary Clinton and Donald Trump making out.

Kim Jong-un retiring to Florida.

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris getting back together (too soon?).

Westboro Baptist Church hiring a gay pastor.

Derek Jeter proposing to me.  
I mean, really.  That seemed more likely than him settling down.  Plus, if he were to marry me, he'd have to propose first...right?