Ten Weird Things I've Done

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

Queue Love Myself by Hailee Steinfeld because this post is all about moi and how incredibly weird awesome I am.

1. I once broke up a fight between random strangers I didn't know in Times Square by screaming and shrieking like a lunatic until I scared the two men off.  When in doubt, shout it out.

2. Walking down 57th Street to the F train one sunny weekend morning, I started creeping on the cutest little white dog.  Full on blaring music through my headphones, I was oblivious to the owner until I was close enough to see he was looking at me out of the corner of my eye.  I glanced up to meet the gaze of Richer Belzer, better known as Detective John Munch on Law & Order: SVU, who was full on laughing at my obvious interest in his dog.  My reaction?  Drop my jaw, break eye contact immediately, and speed off down the street.  I love Law & Order: SVU to the point of no return.  Here was my opportunity to meet one of my favorite actors or at least smile politely back.  Instead, I ran away flailing my arms in excitement. Yeah...

3. When my cousin Alisha was 6 and I was 12, I was so tired of playing Barbies with her.  I bossily told her 12 year olds don't play with Barbies.  Alisha's sassy response was that she would undoubtedly still be playing with Barbies at the ripe old age of 12.  Naturally, this seemed like an amazing opportunity to make a bet with a 6 year old.  I bet Alisha that if she still played with Barbies at 12, I would buy her Burger King french fries (our fave!).  If she wasn't, she had to pay for the gas and the french fries.  To me, this was a surefire win.  What I miscalculated was the fact that Alisha is related to me and also a miser and competitive personality.  My determination to steal money from a future 12 year old clouded the realization that I was forcing a 6 year old girl to play with a toy against her will, for years.  Ladies and gents, she most certainly played with Barbies until she was 12 to simply win the bet.  I resigned my defeat and begrudgingly bought her french fries.

4. In my interview for my current job, I kept rubbing at my eye.  My boss asked me if I needed a tissue.  My insides were like NOO, you will look weak if you take something from him even though this makes no plausible sense at all!! So I responded with, "I never wear makeup."  False, false, false.  I still don't understand why that came out of my mouth; it didn't even make sense to reply with even if it were true.  He just stared at me.  Rightly so.

5. One time on the way home from a tennis match, we were trying to get a rise out of our coach.  We started talking about attractive teachers.  I got excited and wanted to shout out my feelings for a specific Biology teacher.  What came out of my mouth, however, was "I'd tap [Coach's name here]."  I don't think he talked to me for a week.

6. When I volunteered with the animal shelter, I used to blink at the cats.  I once watched an interview of of the Cat Whisperer and he said you blink at the cats and "feel" love to express you care about them.  I thought I was getting on pretty well with this one tabby and we were blinking back and forth.  I was so into it, I didn't realize there was someone behind the pane of glass on the other side of the tabby.  The man, probably in his 40's, leaned in and was blinking back at me.  When I realized this, I dropped to the floor like a sack of potatoes.  As if he could no longer see me through the clear pane window.

7. I rub a seashell in between my fingers when I'm stressed out.  I usually leave it in my car to stave off boredom or anxiety while I'm driving.  One morning, I was feeling stressed walking into work.  Walking through the School of Medicine, I was thumbing the seashell in my pocket when I ran into one of my faculty members.  We started chatting and, as the horrible Italian girl I am, I started using my hands to emphasize my words.  I saw him staring at my right hand and didn't understand why.  When we parted, I realized I had been waving a seashell in his face. In the middle of winter.  In Pittsburgh.

8. After a successful first date at a wonderful little Italian restaurant, my date invited me upstairs to his place to chat (no, not that kind of chatting).  The problem was I drank so much water at dinner out of nerves that my bladder was full on roaring at me.  When I first got into his apartment, I thought I'd be able to make the drive home.  After an hour of talking and another glass of water later (who knows why I do the things I do?), I could barely stand.  I put my jacket on and stared at him long enough to blurt out, "I have to pee but I don't want you to hear me pee so could you please go into your bedroom and close the door?"  For whatever reason, in the hour I sat there, I convinced myself he'd never go on a second date with someone he heard pee.  He obliged and for my part, I don't think I could have possibly run out of his apartment any sooner.

9. My boss said I couldn't drink a gallon of water in one day.  Challenge accepted.  And completed.  I peed 400 times that day.  I clearly have an issue with water.

10. When I was in high school, I played slow-pitch softball in a town league.  One glorious summer I was placed on the All Star team (mostly due to lack of interest).  Surprise-surprise, we never won any game we played.  In one our last tournaments, I started to grow frustrated with the awful way we played.  When I get super mad, I tend to get super loud and feel the need to draw attention to myself to prove to the world I am okay when I am very obviously not.  I successfully did this by dancing to the music in between innings, rolling onto the field in various James Bond poses, and singing.  Loudly.  We lost the game but I was awarded Dancing MVP.

You know what, that last one's not weird.  It's freaking awesome.

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