The A to Z's on Being Awkward

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Have you ever scanned through Pinterest looking for the perfect how to guide on being awkward?  Well, you are in luck!  I sat down and wrote an A to Z list on fool-proof ways to be awkward.  Everything on this list has been tested and proven positive for the most effective way to live your life 100% Awkward.

A: At the beach one day, if a film crew shows up you should make fun of them and the people they are taping to your friend.  When you are packing up to leave, if your plastic bag holding your lunch flies in their direction, absolutely run to catch the bag screaming "No, no, no, no, noooooo."  Be sure to wear a Little Mermaid tank top (you're in your twenties) as well when you dart across the camera and then back.  Definitely sign the waiver out of sheer stupidity when the director hunts you down as you try to escape to your car.

B: Buy wine to bring to your boyfriend's apartment for dinner with his family.  However, you should be pretty inexperienced in buying any sort of alcohol so when you get to the cashier stare at him, waiting for him to speak.  Then say, "Do you need to see my ID? Is that a weird question? I don't drink so I don't know what I'm doing."  Struggle for ID.  Dump all contents of purse onto floor.  Cashier will most definitely scrutinize your ID even though you've been legal for close to 7 years.

C: Creepily go up to a member of a band you like and tell her, "My brother, who isn't here, thinks you're hot."  She'll love it. (No, no, she won't.  Sorry Cassadee Pope!)
D: Drop liquids such as water, tea, juice, etc. on to your lap at work.  Grab heater under desk and use to dry your pants/skirt/dress throughout the seasons, no matter how weird it is to be holding a heater directly of your lap in 80 degree weather.

E: Enter your cousin's wedding ass first.  As a bridesmaid, you get to make an entrance with your escort so you should probably allow him to throw you over his shoulders and run into the room with your behind leading the way.  Also, your dress should be strapless so that you basically flash the entire room.
F: Fill your boss in on all of the details on your high school crush who happens to do business on your floor.  When he comes by the office to say hello, make sure your boss is standing there to giggle loudly and stare at him.

G: Go to a concert and sit on the floor through the first three acts because you only came for the headliner anyway.  Ignore the stares of everyone around you as they make space to accommodate the crazy person on the floor.

H: Have issues identifying Bobby Cannavale's suitcase, requiring him to repeat, "It's the black one," forty or fifty times over while working for a taxi company.  Doesn't he know you're having issues because he's BOBBY CANNAVALE?!  Walk circles around Bobby and Rose Byrne a few weeks later when you run into them at the terminal to Fire Island, stalker style.

I: Initiate arguments with 22 year olds when you are 27 at bars, assuring them that yes, you are too old to be there.  They were just asking if you would step out of the way so they could use the bathroom.

J: "Joke" around with the Pirate Parrot with your friends who are decked out in Mets gear.  Feel the wrath of the Pirate Parrot as he empties a can of silly string on your face.

K:  Keep pads in a bag in the busiest drawer in your desk at work.  Make sure these fly out at random when rushing through projects.  It should be a weekly thing, not daily.  That's just overkill.

L: Lose your shoe in the middle of the street.  Struggle for an inappropriate amount of time to replace the shoe on your foot while trying to joke with strangers who are more confused as to why you are trying to interact in this moment.  Repeat weekly.

M: Make chicken to impress your friends after you insist on throwing a dinner party.  Undercook chicken and serve.  Throw a tantrum when no one will try it and put themselves at risk for food poisoning.  You will never be expected to cook in college ever again.

N: Never actually say the word "Hello" out loud.  When encountering someone but aren't sure if they are going to acknowledge you, use this technique.  Be certain no sounds escape your lips.  I'm 99.9% sure there are people on my floor who must think I am mute because they've seen my mouth open and shut but have yet to hear words come out.

O: On your 20th Birthday, inside a massive club in New York City, spot the guy who was kicked off of the very first episode of MTV's From G's to Gents and hunt him down and beg for a picture.  When he seems less than thrilled, pull our your license to prove it's your birthday to guilt him into it.  Drop your license and lose it somehow in the "excitement".  Also, you're 100% sober, like the only sober person in a group of 20 people and you have to be the guy to lose your license.
P: Play the Penis Game in public with your younger brother...and lose because you shouted the loudest and caused a scene.  For more information on how to play the Penis Game, see 500 Days of Summer.

Q: Quotes from your father about your dating life should sound like the following: "You dated him too long, least you got to use his apartment."

R: Reach for the back pocket of your father's pants while waiting in line at the Statue of Liberty.  Spoiler: those pockets don't belong to your father.  That is not your father.  Run.

S: Spill your coffee all over the table on a first date.  Just smack the cup and then jostle the table a few times while you try to hurriedly grab napkins to clean up the mess.  Return to the conversation as if this is normal for you (because it is).

T: Take your cousin out for her birthday to a Dueling Piano Bar.  Ensure her now-gay-ex-boyfriend is a waiter there.  Then, send her up on stage where the piano players will request she remove her front of her now-gay-ex-boyfriend.

U: Upset your future sister-in-law at her Bachelorette Party by falling asleep in the middle of a family indoor waterpark.  For about two hours.  Ignore the garbled calls for you over the loudspeaker.  Just snooze on.  Look confused when you finally catch up with the party who has been searching non-stop for you for two whole hours. (Note: I don't suggest utilizing this one as a bonding tool).

V: Vindicate, briefly, your friend's anger towards her ex by calling him the wrong name.  He cheated on her, you're still mad at him, so you call him by the name of the guy she dated after him.  Except she's dating her ex again.  And she's standing right there.

W: Wreck a golf cart into a fence in front of the entire baseball team.  When the coach trots over to see if you are okay, shout, "That was awesome!"  It wasn't.  It never will be.

X: Xpress (X is a hard one!) how you really feel about your new besties residency in Denver by reading her Match Day Letter over her shoulder.  Get caught by her older sister filming the moment.

Y: You should not warn anyone who requests your services as a DD that you are incapable at parallel parking.  This allows for uncomfortable drunken conversations with friends that start with "This drive back to school is taking way longer than I thought."  Mostly because you've been trying to maneuver the car for twenty minutes and the bar was only three minutes away.

Z: Zipper-check in a public space.  A fantastic opportunity to do this is in a crowded hallway in plain sight of everyone you work with, stopping in the center of a four way hallway and practically bending over at the waist to inspect your zipper.

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